The Power of Friendship

written by Finley Grace – Contributor

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The hour was getting late. I am not sure how long we had been comfortably conversing in the living room before intervals between yawns became too brief to ignore, but more than a few bottles of wine had been consumed as had the wick of the cranberry/pine scented candle.  The latter had decided to take its last gasp of oxygen, then drown itself in its own hot pool of fragrant wax; the once bright and cheerful flame now reduced to a charred nub and a spiral tail of sooty smoke.  These clues indicated that our engrossing female chat had taken us well beyond the stroke of midnight.

While my brain was tempting me to burrow myself a little deeper into the sofa cushions, tuck my chilled nose under the blanket and say goodnight to my weekend companions, my full bladder was signaling that it was time to take care of some other business before submitting to my slumber.  The bladder having won that contest, I rallied to rotate my legs toward the polished wood floor and ambled, penguin-style, toward the toilet until the movement of my arthritic hip was able to work out the stiff kinks caused by laying too long on the sofa.  In the meantime, the rest of my crew, inspired by my progress, began to stir in order to pursue their own bedtime routines.  Mina was encouraged with firm, verging on stern, tones to go straight to bed.  She had, after all, orchestrated and prepared the first of many meals in the weekend house rental, and, upon the group’s insistence, would have no part in its clean-up. 

I, on the other hand, having now been motivated by my lifelong obsession for waking up in an orderly house, forestalled my bedtime a bit longer and began to fluff pillows, fold blankets, and gather up dishes.  I was used to playing this janitorial role to keep spaces clean and comfortable.  Although all the gals pitch in to keep things orderly during these weekend getaways, I will oftentimes willingly go at it alone while others sleep. 

I savored the quiet space this time allowed to ponder and replay from my memory, the details of the conversation that unfolded in actual, not virtual, company with my friends; no cell phone static, time delays or buffering screens getting in the way of our human connection. We all saw the same tears, colorful toenails, and cozy fleece pajamas; heard the same crackling logs in the fireplace, the gentle cadence of the creaky rocker and interruptions of laughter; smelled the curry from dinner intermingled with the seasonal fragrances of hot wood coals and holiday spices; and felt the occasional cold draft move through the room and the comfort of a friend’s warm embrace.  Connecting the stories, ideas and sentiments spoken to the details of our setting helped to commit them to my memory thereby making them accessible for future consideration and comfort.

This occasion would not be the last that I would reflect on the words spoken between me and my friends on that December evening.  There was a lot of experience, wisdom and personality packed in that room that spanned across 4 different ethnic cultures and 3 different generations.  There was a lot said and no doubt a lot missed but I was confident that each of us heard the words that were meant for our ears.  But, if not, I knew that we would inevitably reconvene with new insights from our separate deliberations and, once again, take up the eternal conversation right where we ended it.

We all have our own strengths and talents to contribute to the group’s collective soul.  Mina provides a calm, nurturing energy for our group. Her grandest gestures of love to others are expressed through her culinary artistry.  She takes the time to plan thoughtful menus for our weekend retreats, gathers the food and tools needed to make it all happen, and then plays the starring role in the kitchen while providing gentle direction to those of us who really just want to be near her to watch the show.  The result of all this preparation and work, combined with her years of practice in the culinary traditions of her Hindu culture, is nothing short of taste bud bliss.  But more importantly, our souls are fed by Mina’s humble acts of kindness and generosity.  We all strive to feel and give, and love like her.

Gabby (short for Gabriella) provides the humor for the group.  She comes by her nickname honestly in that she has the ability to weave and intertwine stories within stories only for the purpose of imparting something that is, in actuality, very basic in content.  Where the average person might comment that her meal was tasty and leave it at that, Gabby will talk about the spices that flavored her meal which then reminds her of a farmer in Central America who grows such spices that she met while traveling home to visit her sister who was a dentist but is now retired and has since adopted a dog who loves tortillas…… Her dedication to never leave a single thought or detail that crosses her mind unsaid cannot be overstated.  There is nothing edited; nothing left on the cutting room floor.  She creates her narrative compositions in the way that Bach wrote lines of music. More is more.

Those who like the sound of their own voices or who are in need of the sound of silence to quiet their own minds, might find it challenging to be with Gabby over an extended period of time.  But those who do have the disposition and enthusiasm for her company and the ornate conversation she provides are, more often than not, rewarded with some of the best humor and belly laughs of their lives.  Gabby can make our group break out into laughter and no one can predict when it will happen; least of all Gabby.  This is because humor is lurking around each twist and turn embedded in the tales that she recounts; tales that are told unrehearsed, in real time, as random thoughts fly through her consciousness.  There is no straight line to the end of a story told by Gabby.  One just has to buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Zoe is the youngest member of our group.  Us older gals enjoy her youthful perspective and applaud her tenacity in going for her dreams.  Extremely smart and well educated, she can keep up with and contribute to most conversations of intellect and does not shy away from sharing her opinions.  She engages others to share their perspectives as well and, with an open mind, draws from the knowledge they share with her. Her greatest charm, however, is her ability to show her vulnerability to her trusted friends and admit to her challenges and limitations while keeping her sense of humor intact.  Always looking for ways to improve and develop her character, she encourages open and earnest feedback from her confidants. She is, by far, the most serious and ambitious member of our group yet has the heartiest of all our laughers.  Her clarity in knowing who she is and what she wishes to attain, combined with her fearlessness in reaching her goals, is truly inspirational.

Paige was not there for this gals’ weekend; not that she was not welcome.  It is just that she resides in a different section of my super friend’s universe, the section most analogous to a private balcony in an exclusive theatre.  She knows about the weekend I spent with my work friends, and she is familiar with all of their personalities.  There is not much about my personal life that I don’t share with Paige.  She has one of the best seats in the house to my biographical play and I rely on her direction frequently when my performance flounders.

Paige and I connect most mornings during her drive to work and my attempt to ready myself for the office.  I know the order that she will be placing at the Dunkin’ Donut’s drive-through, roughly 5 to 10 minutes into our call, and she knows the difference between me talking to her and me talking to either Wally (spouse), Minnie (dog) or Kitty Cat (cat).

I did not have much to say about the events of the gals’ weekend when Paige asked how it went. I provided some details of Mina’s amazing cooking demonstrations; her attempt to teach us how to bring her kitchen into ours.  I shared excerpts of Gabby’s stories and highlighted some of the funniest bits and pieces that had all of us dabbing away tears shed from laughter. I let her know about some of the challenges that Zoe had been facing over the months prior to our visit and how we all took turns laying on my massage table for a little hands-on therapy as we talked through each of those challenges together.  But there is no particular event from the weekend that deserved the spotlight other than the beauty of our companionship.  Whether we were out sight-seeing, riding in the car, shopping for groceries, sharing a meal or washing up the dishes, it was each other’s company that suspended our burdens and grounded us into each perfect moment.  I think I could have folded laundry with these gals all weekend and it still would have been sublime.

The weekend did, however, leave me with a task with which I was sure Paige could provide assistance.  That is, after all, what she and I do.  We talk through things; dig a little deeper than the surface and discover new ways of looking at things that at first seem one dimensional so that we can approach things from new angles.  And that was what I was looking for; an angle from which to approach a writing assignment that was dispensed to me over the weekend from Zoe.  Topic:  The positive impact that gal friend relationships can have on women in general.  Simple.  Right?

“Well, perhaps I agreed too quickly to take this on”, I mused to myself after several weeks had passed with no thoughts dropped on a page.  It is not that it is a topic for which I have no feelings or endorsements.  I had just returned from my own gals’ weekend revival for gosh sakes!  Yet the writer’s block continued, and I began to fear that my mind was where inspiration came to die.

I think the difficulty in finding my approach to the essay is that my gal friend relationships are absolutely vital to my existence.  I cannot imagine what my life would look like without my female companions, and I cannot imagine the person I would have become had I not had their support at every adolescent and adult milestone I crossed.  I have connected to and drifted apart from various gal friends throughout my life but, regardless of its members, I have always had a female brigade to help carry me through the rough times, to celebrate all that is good and to coast along with me during all the times in between.  Don’t all women seek to live their lives empowered with a team of feminine warriors, knowing that it will be their main resource for guidance and emotional sustenance?  Does this agenda even need to be promoted through my written words?

I honestly don’t think it does.  Any girl: any woman, not suffering from a severe socio-pathology, should need no encouragement to seek out at least one bosom friend of their own gender.  With whom else are you going to break down the musings of your complex mind into simpler insights?  Who else are you going to discuss the wild ride taken by your body with fluctuating hormones steering the wheel?  We are a gender living within a multiplex maze, collaboratively engineered by both biology and society at large, and we need the help of other sophisticated female minds to help us tactically maneuver it.

This does not come without risks; especially in the age of media gone viral.  Females can be mean to one another; competitive for no obvious reasons.  Agendas are cloaked and traps are set.  It is inevitable that you will find yourself entangled in some sort of cruel drama at least one time in your life; likely more, and those scars will run deep.  But it is a risk you must take because a good, trustworthy gal friend is essential and, best of all, magnificently rewarding to your soul.

The good news is that you, yourself, are blessed with a female mind and it will get mightier with intelligence as you grow.  You will be able to detect, through the slightest of changes in voice tones or facial gestures that something is, quite possibly, amiss with one’s personality.  Fickle, inconsistent behaviors displayed as one mixes in different circles, will warn you to advance with caution.  Your subject of interest may just need more time to figure out who she is, but it could also indicate malevolence. Your gut and intellect will work in tandem to first, warn you, and then guide you but you must regularly work them like muscles to fully develop them.

Ultimately, you will learn when to keep acquaintances in the “just observing” phase and when to move deeper toward an alliance.  The general rule is to keep your risks low while getting acquainted and reveal your most private vulnerabilities only after profound trust has been earned.  For me, the question I ask myself is, “Is this person someone I trust enough to care for my dog?”.  If the answer is yes, you will likely find the 2 of us together, at some point in time, on a gals’ weekend revival having the time of our lives doing nothing in particular.